I thought it meant something to get such a prime spot. All it meant was that he had nothing or no ONE better to do!!! And yes, sometimes, I still think about what a rush it was to hear from him. That is way more insightful that he will ever be! Upon returning back to the country, he kept texting me as if nothing had gone wrong. Reading these posts is really helping alot.
What he did was typical of a narcissist — he thought he could pick up where he left off as if nothing happened. This type of behaviour is outrageous in the extreme, Sandy. Decent, nice people do not behave like this. You must get closure yourself and you do that by having no contact with him. He says he wants to be friends and he will call etc. Think I need to re visit this post for my benefit. It feels like he is the normal one and I am the one with the issues.
Tulipa … why bother with someone like this? It takes a a bit of deterimination to stick with nc but it is well worth it in the end. Someone consistently not following through on their word is not normal. Since he does not seem bothered by it, you give him too much power by assuming his actions must be OK, since he feels no remorse.
Since when do people with no compassion get to be the moral compass for right and wrong? He knows he can disappear and come swanning back and you will be there.
You are too good for him and he knows it. Cut him off, stop trying to figure him out and focus on indulging yourself, focus on the people who treat you with respect. Then when he blew hard and I knew I could slip into other woman status at the drop of a dime, I disappeared.
Thus, I disappeared. Or is it NC? Thus, no response or NC or disappearing? Okey doke…thanks for the clarification. You have such a great way of putting things. And by the way you are right, each day of NC does get better. It is interesting getting a chance to focus on me and what I want to do.
It is nice. Folks out there in the first few weeks of NC, hang in there. It really does get better. Everyone who helped me through those first weeks, thank you. I remember trying to go NC with a person I had dated, started off blowing hot, then cold which is when I basically finally trusted my gut to break it off. People like that are best to be avoided. With some, it gets to the point where you honestly wonder if they are doing it quite intentionally and are simply playing a game they consider fun.
They twist your meaning, often over minor and inconsequential things , watch you get frustrated, and derive pleasure from it. A form of gaslighting. And if you remember the movie the husband was trying to make his wife crazy, but it was actually he who was mentally ill. I will give one example of this. For example, she and I were going to watch a late afternoon event outdoors. I knew that one side of the arena faced the late afternoon sun making it almost impossible to watch the show. It was a very simple statement.
Not complex or difficult to understand. Well she was pretending not to understand me. I enjoy the sun, and the outdoors. She did a lot of other things like that, too, and we never fought but I stopped returning her calls. Not sure if she knows why or not. Wow, I have a couple of female friends who do the exact same thing you are describing! I always assumed it was a power struggle, or a way to mock my wants and needs, in order to put me down.
But then I would look at them and wonder why they felt so insecure as to do that. Because these are not the type of people to offer support. I am not surprised that I find myself surrounded by such people. And over something so commonplace and inconsequential. I had an ex boyfriend who used to do that kind of thing to me too. All based on some minor comment or reaction of mine at some point in the past.
Very bizarre behavior. You are absolutely right about them second guessing themselves. They are looking for external validation, and when we have a different opinion, they start to question their own beliefs. So, then they mock us and exaggerate what we said, or pick on us for little things like Melanie mentioned, so they feel one-up again.
And, what you said about them wanting to make us one of them is true. I know that I have found myself getting irritated and nit-picking back at them, so I become like them, too. It can become very toxic, if you let it.
He rings me pretty much every week, texts when he can and makes time to see me when he comes home for a visit. The problem for me is, having contact with him is making it hard for me to move on. Plus if I met another man, how would I explain having this very close friend who I have strong feelings for and have slept with in the past? I either have to start a new relationship with a lie, or things are going to get very complicated!
I think my ideal situation would be for my feelings to change, and for it just to be an uncomplicated friendship. Confused, hard as this may be to hear, a lot of the confusion is really of your own making. Your feelings have not abated and you are waiting around for him. He wants to have the best of both worlds, and actually so do you. Why on earth would you get involved with someone else and tell them that you have feelings for someone else? You have to do the work and get over this guy.
You want to avoid accepting what has happened and you want to have license to start up something somewhere else without dealing with your feelings which makes you unavailable. You are not a careers advisor or an armchair psychologist — if you and he are really the friends that you believe you are, he will be totally understanding of you having some time out. If he is your thoughtless Mr Unavailable trying to get an ego stroke and a shoulder to lean on, you will find that he will be reluctant to let you go.
Why is that? This will be the real litmus test of the friendship — is he thinking about you? Is he empathising? If he is, there will no issue with you backing off even if it makes him uncomfortable because he will recognise it is necessary to keep your friendship in the medium to long-term.
Even though our low self esteem puts us in these positions, we conversely think TOO MUCH of ourselves by imagining that these poor helpless men cannot cope without our amazing presence. After years of struggling to move on, I have been successful at extricating him from my home for the most part during his visits although he always ends up on my couch at some point.
He declared that he wants to start sleeping with other women so I told him that he was no longer to speak to me except about our daughter or be at my home. He constantly disrespects these boundaries. He is the quintessential EU AC who cannot commit to being together or being apart. I have read the article on this site about enforcing No Contact when you share a child with your assclown but this is a major, ongoing struggle.
Thanks for the wonderful information and encouragement on this website and allowing me to vent. Marilyn, I feel for you. And if he keeps up the contact after that, just ignore it. It;s the only thing these assclowns understand! I am so glad I found this site. It has helped me so much. My question is this.. How do you go NC with a man you have 2 children for? And he is a big AC. He lies, he cheats, he is verbally and emotionally abusive.
Around 6 months pregnant for my last child she is 3 months old now i went NC. It felt.. I cried, I healed, I felt almost happy.. And then the baby was born and I contacted him and I was sucked right back into his vortex. I have only seen him a handful of times but now he has disappeared. Is it a blessing in disguise? The last thing he said to me is he will make it by when he makes it by and he disconnected his phone.
Should I file for child support and reinstate NC? He has never helped me financially. Please help. Get on with your life. Thank you for your help. I should have explained myself better. When I was 6 months pregnant I ended the relationship and went NC. It sounded harsh to go NC with 2 children for him. Thank you for your encouragement I really appreciate it.
I have a question. I broke up with my AC about two months ago. My work planned a party at a restaurant that he works at. Now, if I see him, do I acknowledge him or ignore…my male friends said to acknowledge and move on and have a good time!
My girl friends tell me to not say a thing…Personally, I would rather say whats up and move on…I think he might die of a heart attack if I do that but hes an AC he might think I want him! I have to go to the party, its business. Basically no stopping. No dawdling. And make sure you enjoy yourself and no staring. Oh and if he tries to approach you, and…move to another group of people. It felt empowering!
Sometimes it hurts to push him away, because, on one hand, I still care about him. Much more beneficial than choosing to be the nice girl who accepts weird behaviour, and still kisses his backside!
AND that was that…I had a great time with my friends and although they told me he kept staring at me, I ignored him the whole time…I said hi, I acknowledged him , that is that.
AND I found out that I am truly over him. My heart didnt go to my stomach when I saw him…I felt nothing.. I have moved on and so have closed he door on him!! YAY go me. This board is helping me so much.
My AC who killed our relationship with his emotionally unavailable bs keeps contacting me even though it is over two years since we broke up. It is like he hates to see me move on. It is not like he is willing to come to the table or anything so why is he keeping it up with me under the guise of being friends. At one time he was my best friend although I realize I always held things together. I would always feel bad and take his phone calls. I see from this there is no need for explanations.
Not with an AC I need to be strong and do this!!!! Time to look out for yourself, and go NC. Block e-mails and phones from contact.
You have to look out for yourself, as no one else will. I made the decision to do it but wow it is hard when they keep up the phone calls and start texting Are you ok? Should I write an explanation. I am just so tired of good bye letters and explaining. He should know, definitely. He does not deserve communication from you.
This is not you being harsh with him, these are the consequences of his own actions. This is the situation he made for himself by acting like a twat and he knows it — believe me. Go and live your life. He had his chance with you. We are both married to other people and our families have done things together all that time. He and I became entirely too close — I know that know. It really was at his direction — he started emailing, IMs, texting, calling, regularly, daily.
Both our spouses knew this — in fact, they were often around when this was happening. There were some comments that it was excessive and I do think it started to have an effect. When I saw it becoming pretty excessive, I tried to knock it down a peg. Then he would always question my disappearance and so I always knew I would continue hearing from him. He did often help our family out when needed so I thought it was pretty reciprocal, but pretty soon, it started to become very one-sided.
When I noticed that, I think it was too late but I started to pull back on my offers to help. In the meantime, somewhere along the line I became less and less involved in their lives which is a good thing , but yet I would continue to get daily texts and more often than not, they were when he needed help with something. Soon the invites from he and his wife to my husband and myself started to drop off, the calls and emails as well, and basically what was left was a greeting of some sort every day or two and not really knowing anything about their lives.
A very strange…. He and his wife seem to have little interest in our lives anymore and it is leaving a huge gap for me, particularly. I was very attached to them, and to their child. I miss them, plain and simple. I am seeing a therapist who tells me basically to let it go and cherish the memories, but I seem to be stuck. I think my question was simply — do I just disappear from this situation at this point?
Or what can I do to keep it from dying entirely? His wife is number one. Their silence says it all and it would not be right to pursue this further. It will make you look … bad. How would you feel if your husband was contacting a woman every day?
How would you feel if he backed off and she came running after him. Yes, I know you are right. We have all been friends for many years and I think I will miss his child the most. It may be awkward too because we have mutual friends, but since we rarely see any of them, it may be a nonissue.
I never really knew why he would contact me all the time, to be honest. But the bottom line is that these were important people to me, and now I need to let them go and am trying to work my way through it. While I believe she has probably put the brakes on it, it was actually me a few weeks ago who said that I thought the constant contact had to stop.
That came about because he blasted me about some issues in my family that I think were none of his business, which when I later described to my husband, my husband thought there is some real tension within their relationship and that my friend was taking it out on me instead.
Totally inappropriate and I told him the friend this. I still feel a great sense of loss. Hopefully my experience will be a lesson to anyone reading this, because this site has been a big help to me at least understanding what I am dealing with. I think Grace is correct. In my experience when a MM is contacting another woman everyday, it is a red flag.
Maybe this would be a good time to connect with your husband? Can he be your great friend? I do have to add that I feel somewhat used in the process which is what brought me to this site. Their child will want to see me, I know that. What about your husband and family? Everything you write is about him, his wife, and child. What about you, and your husband?
Runnergirl, my husband and I have always been close and this has actually brought us closer. I have had this happen to me two other times in our long marriage — the other two guys were just as messed up as this one was, almost exact same personalities. I told him that is why for the first time in my life, I am seeing a therapist. My friend needed me, I know that now, maybe even was in love with me at some point, and he crossed the line, at least emotionally, but I let him. I liked being needed but never would have considered an affair.
And then when I started needing more from the friendship, he has finally backed out. I really hate to see the friendship go but I saw the writing on the wall. Of course, you have to bear a part of the blame because you let yourself become too available and he started taking you for granted.
To wake him up, you will have to give your ex boyfriend the chance to experience his life without you and he will come running back. When guys get together, the stories of their conquests fly like bees around honey. Most of them are exaggerated and some are made up. But your ex boyfriend hears this and wonders if he is missing something. This is why he told you he wanted a break. He really does not want to lose you, but he wants to play around for a while.
Of course when he wants you again he expects you to be right there waiting with open arms. If you go chasing him and telling him you cannot live without him, you are only confirming his believe that you will be waiting. So, you have to cut off all contact with him. This means no phone calls, emails or text messages. You have to disappear from his radar for a few weeks.
You have to make him appreciate you again. Just do it. If you need to make a few new lifestyle choices, brilliant. Get your greens in, move your body in some way every day and drink plenty of water. Go and do things with friends. Be the organiser. You can still do low key things like yoga or even meditation classes if you feel you need something more on a soul level right now.
The idea is that you go and be around people and do things you enjoy. I know that sounds weird but you can really feel when someone you have intense feelings for is out genuinely enjoying their life. Be matter of fact. Right now you are your priority. They will love it if you react because it proves to them that they still have a heavy impact on you. Not for their benefit but for yours. Get out of those Primark trackies, put on an actual outfit, do your hair, smell good and look happy.
Change your physiology and your emotions will soon follow.
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