You can feel it in your bones that this is going to be a bad day. Like you, I used to perform the ninja slide out of bed, followed by the acrobatics of silently getting dressed. And like you, I lived in constant anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to dig up and ceaselessly, painfully probe at some fresh failing in me. You see, my boyfriend kept hurting me emotionally.
And I absorbed every wound because I let him convince me that he was doing me a favor. Trying to help me become a better person.
Except that both his efforts to change me and my efforts to change myself by sheer willpower were futile. One time, I even wrote him a letter about my feelings. Maybe you can relate? Or maybe you feel like every issue in your relationship is always your fault.
Perhaps you also have a secret place where you pour out your desire to be loved exactly as you are. So why do I still love him? Then stick around for what to do about it. Despite what he says, you love him with all your heart.
The evidence is clear to anyone who knows the inside story. You give them first place in your life; try to make them happy; and love them through every hard time that comes.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Hence my scouring the internet to find snippets hat may enlighten me and give me something to help deal with the situation. But nothing to loose and hopefully lots to gain. Thank you so much for writing this.
It sums up everything I went through and now I understand why. I feel sorry for my ex and pray that he will be healed and learn to love himself one day so he can experience true intimacy without fear. My boyfriend is now realizing that he has low self-esteem ever since he started going through hair loss earlier than he expected.
Even though he has admitted this to me, he says he has too much pride to find a professional to talk to, and he ignores my attempts to get him resources to work through on his own online articles, books, etc. I have to remind myself that he is wrong and that I love him for valid reasons. I am trying to figure out the same thing. We are both christians, so our faith and same spiritual connection has been the main thing keeping us together.
Praying he breaks this cycle sooner than later! Praying that the bondage of low self-esteem bebbroken off of everyone whose experiencing it. BreakTheCycle RealLove. I can relate to your story as well. He has so many great qualities. I recently ended things with him for good. I also struggle with being insecure, just never acted on it with him because I would live in the moment.
I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. He only had a full time job for 2 months and a part time job for a year that is only 10 hrs a week.. I did everything I could to make him happy. My daughters called him daddy. We love with everything. When he talked to his family which totally different than mine he would be jealous of his brother or angry with his deadbeat mom.
He would reorganize the fridge, bedroom, closet ECT after I do it. All I ask was a 40 hr job and then he would go into a pity story. We got into in a few days ago. Law got involved and I still tried working it out. We met up and talked and I thought we was working it out but then I came home with everything gone except my daughters stuff in their rooms. He has done alot of other things that I would talk in private.
What can I do if anything. He is more than likely on drugs. Get rid of him. Change all the livks. Get a restraining order. He is going to stop making car payments to your dad. If he took your belingings, your daughters are next. Get rid of him quickly. Thank you for this. Your former self sounds just like my recent ex. We met randomly one night and were together ever since.
He swept me off my feet. For 8 months things were great. We had talked about the future, marriage, kids. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he was in love with me. I told him the same. We were on the same page I thought. And then he started pulling away, making his first mistake. I then also admitted to myself he had a drinking problem. I asked him why he was pulling away and he said I had become negative and he needed someone positive in his life.
He agreed and we moved on. Then the next mistake, and the next. I had asked him if he felt I got in the way of him processing it and he said no, tht I had helped him. For a fee weeks he became more attentive, and I was hopeful. The trust bells went off and I discovered he had been having an online fling with a client since the month he started pulling away. That one stings the most. I was never insecure about myself before then. Um, wrong answer!
I knew he was immature but not to this extent. And now I see he is insecure. I do think he thought he fooled me, and now my self-esteem is in the toilet. There were so many red flags I chose to accept. It hurts to lose trust and to deal with the anger. I truly did love him and saw through all the junk and adored him. Now I wonder if he fed me a bunch of lies, if that man I saw beyond his immaturity was a lie, a figment of my imagination. Anyway, thanks for sharing your past and giving insight into the male psyche.
I just ask anyone male or female out there to be honest with yourselves before you enter into a relationship. Are you really ready? Do you value other people and their feelings? Are you in a good place? Cheating and dishonesty are absolutely devastating. I am working through my 10th month of individual therapy and 3rd week of group meetings for Al-Anon and Codependency. Learning to not be ruled by impulse, shame, guilt, self-hate is going to take some time.
Trying to be and do better…did not work. My girlfriend tried to coax me out, but what was I hiding? Who was hiding? I destroyed myself so no one else could. At least I had control of that. I could talk about physical and sexual abuse, little to no support to show weakness emotions, feelings , two older sisters, no brother, raised by an alcoholic single mother. I had to support her, protect her, never embarrass her…never be a burden.
I resented my life and the mother I was supposed to protect. Wit, charm, humor, flirting, sarcasm, deflection, being a great guy, a great listener, with great advice…all tools of deflection, shields…. Nice guy with a sad story…another tool. I left home at 17 and was married to you guessed it an alcoholic.
Another one to save , cherish, and resent. Look at me — how noble, how long-suffering. After 16 years I was on my own with 3 kids. Oh, poor single dad. The one who would call me on my shit and give me room to work on it. I needed validation from a quick flirt here and there. I deleted messages. I hid. I lied. That was hitting bottom. Working the steps to recovery and sticking with therapy. I may not win her trust or her love ever again, but I can learn to be authentic and real and get out of the cycle of self harm.
It is your responsibility to to get help. Ask for it! Stop teaching your kids to do the things that you do in hating yourself, trying to be the nice guy, not having healthy boundaries. When i read your article it is exactly what i am living now.
My spouse wants approval from all the people around him even the things we already decided. I can say our personal life is on public everyone knows what we plan, when he wants to change his job, our salaries, he tells me back their comments too etc which we always have an argument. When i first met him i think he really worked on it, everyone was talking what a good person he is he showed me the best part of him too and i was attracted.
All in all, he always wants to be praised by others. Even he himself appreciate others on each and every little matters and when i asked him why he is doing it, he said just to make them feel great and this kind of manner is really driving me crazy and when it comes to other people he sacrifies his time and money which seems his priority is people arround him not his family.
We have a son together and i am worried what kind of father he could be. I read your article… What is a plan or questions I can ask my guy to get him to start loving himself more?
This relationship is really hurting me. I feel like ive done everything I can for him. But he gets mad at me, is rude, unfriendly, and unkind. I dont know what else to do. I am searching everywhere for help. I read your article.
My boyfriend had been married twice. He had a divorce on his first and his second wife passed away. I have always seen his resentment over his first marriage and the way he grew up as a child for the only way he would have moved on from all of what happened to him is wheb he could not say anything bd about it anymore. I believed he had a great relationship with his second wife and her family and he was able to live with them the life he never had with his own family and his first marriage.
Only that the second wife passed away after six years of them being together. He vowed the next woman he would date has to be nothing but the best. Then we met. I was decisive and ready for commitment myself we moved together. I saw his lack of trust and has greatly denied it thus resulting us to struggle in our emotional level of connection. No matter how I gave empathy to him and our relationship, the blame goes back to me.
He left without any qualms. I was left dumbfounded and shocked. I had to ask repeteadly myself how it happened. The anger was there until such time I realized I need to move on,give him time to find himself and just trust the journey of love we shared together. I love him with all my heart. I believe he does love me too and him moving away is giving himself time to be whole again.
Thank you so much for writing this article. You have basically described my partner to a tee although if no. It also explains a lot about his behaviour and personality which is really eye-opening for me. I never suspected he had low self-esteem when I first met him. He chased me, asked me out etc. He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men — yes! I feel sorry for the other guy because I have him a very short reply. Can these guys let go of their painful pasts if they find the right girl?
Or does it still take more time? I still have my doubts. I am young and am wondering how much more I can take and hoping that if he really does love me the way he says he does, will he change a bit for me and find some confidence in himself? Reading these posts brought tears to my eyes. My story is so long but it sounds like all of yours. I am going throught this as we speak. He was great at first, im sure he still it was different. He would spoil me, treat me almost like royalty.
Ive heard so much bad things about his past, but i couldnt see it, i saw only what he showed me. And that was a man who was trying to live life. Hes a broken man. Hes lost. He used to tell me how much he needed me and how he ccouldnt believe i gave him the time of day. Next time your significant other hurts you emotionally during a fight, voice that clearly. However, if your boyfriend repeatedly attacks you verbally, or ever starts attacking you physically, do NOT be afraid to ask for help.
Just this semester, the Intimate Partner Violence Coalition at Cal was formed and provides resources for survivors, answers to many questions about abuse verbal or physical in relationships, and a great support group for anyone who might have experienced Intimate Partner violence. You absolutely deserve respect in a relationship at all times. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel? But if he laughs off your concerns or worse, then you really need to think about your relationship.
It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Click here to read more. Once you moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going back.
Do their actions frequently contradict their words? Or more bluntly put: for whatever reason, he did not care. Do you frequently make excuses for them, to yourself or others? Does this person turn things around on you, as if their actions are your fault? Considering all the baggage I carried around, I felt fortunate to be in relationships at all. See more Posts.
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